It’s not good karmic-ly to smile a snide smile when I hear they had a horrible night out, is it? No, I don’t imagine it is. Sometimes, it’s really difficult to be an unenlightened being who makes the all-too common mistake of being only human.
I’m not as honorable as people might think I am. Or even as I might try and convince myself to be. When you get down to the bare bones of it, it’s survival. I pay my dues, thankyouverymuch. Sometimes, I bleed a lot for very little. And yeah, I think I’m owed.
Not a good space to be in. But at least it’s the truth.
I’m sitting here with tears running down my face. I smile, I beam, and then more tears. It’s ridiculous, when you get right down to it. Almost 3 years of this. Glittering highs and unspeakable lows. It’s true that deep contrasts bring a richer hue to our souls. Sometimes facets are made, too. But I don’t know if this is divine torture or just…torture.
My therapist says that I am in the middle of an affair; that J2 and I are having an affair. I mean……..who in the what now? I…guess it’s an affair. I mean…..dumbass knows about it, so…..it’s an affair and he doesn’t care? Ha, that rhymed, LOL. Which makes me wonder, if I went down there……..what the hell would happen?
Shit, let’s leave that speculation for another night.
Do you ever have those moments where you desperately want to write something deep and profound, but for the life of you can’t seem to think of anything deep or profound to say? This is one of those moments for me.
However….now that I think about it….I’m asking a computer if it ever has moments…
I have no choice but to hate him. It’s like gravity. It’s a universal law. He has literally everything that I have wanted for the past…shit…12 years? And that situation would be no different if the roles were reversed. If you were in love with me and I had chosen someone over you because of this or that, you would hate him, too. And part of you would hate me. Just as part of me hates you. But it just seems so much more satisfying to hate him.
He should be afraid of me. Not because I would ever lay a hand on even a hair of his. I wouldn’t have to. He knows that.
So I think I might be more psychic than I had originally thought. Which I also think can sometimes annoy the hell out of people. Hey, not my fault I can hear what you think. I can’t turn off the ability to be able to feel you. And sometimes the pictures and the words come completely of their own accord. It’s not that I try to do it. I just…do it. I can feel things and hear things and see things that not everyone can. Sure, it’s a backwards gift. But I’m not turning it off for anyone. So if you love me, you put up with the fact that sometimes, even when you don’t want me to, I can hear you.